In Defense of The Fantastic Four(s)

Yes guys, I'm going to defend the new Fantastic Four movie as well as defending the previous ones starring the current Captain America and a super hot Jessica Alba circa 2005-2007. Don't leave. Please. Hear me out. Okay?


Let's start from the past, shall we?
Take a look at Fantastic Four (2005), directed by Tim Story who made that American Taxi with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah. Starring Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis. It currently stands at 5.7 on imdb, hated by most fans, but has a place in my heart and eventually made profit during its run. Okay, guys, in those years DC still owns the movie game. Batman Begins was just released about a month before. It was a new kind of gritty summer blockbuster back then. So, Fantastic Four is super campy, super fun, mindless, pretty much straight forward--the good guys are fun and the bad guys are bad. I haven't watched it again for almost five years at least, so give me a break. I wouldn't want to ruin those memories.

this used to be the coolest thing on the internet, ppl

Fast-forward two years later, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer was released. Two months prior, the super talky, less action-y Spider-Man 3 was released. So, advantage is once again with Fantastic Four 2. Before, The Avengers, before this cinematic universe stuff boomed, this campily self aware franchise had the first cross over film ever. It was a bit darker than the first one, thanks to the-getting-darker Harry Potter films and Batman Begins of course.

Fast-forward to now, 2015. The trailer for The Fantastic Four (or is it Fant4stic?) is finally here. I'm all with Fox here. Hiring Josh Trank of Chronicle, hiring Miles Teller of Whiplash, Kate Mara of House of Cards, Michael B Jordan of Fruitvale Station and Jamie Bell of Billy Elliot--four of the best young actors, keeping it secret. Now, about keeping the secrets, people, do you want all your movies spoiled before they come out? Do you want to watch Fight Club for the first time knowing that Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are actually one person? Do you want to watch Gone Girl for the first time knowing that Amazing Amy is a psychopathic bitch who frames her husband? We live in a highly dangerous spoiler culture now. I mean, do you really want your secret spoiled for Star Wars 7, have your expectations so high just to be disappointed by a single name: Kylo Ren. Or that Kevin Feige confirms roster change in Avengers: Age of Ultron? Hello? Spoiler alert? Or all those things about Batman v Superman? Fuck you people who staked out outside of movie sets with your tele-lens camera or just a shit iPhone, selling those infos to the click-hungry movie blogs. I'm going to paraphrase Reverend Book and say, there's a special hell for people who talk in cinemas and people who spoils movies before they're released. I personally feel pity to the actors/actresses who promote their passion projects, just to be asked whether they could spill some secrets about their superhero movies. Okay, rant ends here.

omg, darknesssss. scarryyyyy

Back to Fant4stic, the trailer hits all the right notes. Frankly, compared to Marvel's own Ant-Man, this looks better. Edgar Wright is a big thing to lose. And people, it doesn't mean that a production is in trouble just because we haven't seen anything from the film SIX MONTHS before its release date. Ant-Man is more troubled I believe, and that's why they're releasing a trailer so soon to construct this reality that everything's alright there. While Fox was bullied to release this trailer. Maybe Fox wants to pull a Beyonce and just release the movie without any promotional material. Who knows? Also, I see people complaining about the dark tone of the film. To those people I say go back to the fucking fifties! We don't live in that landscape anymore. Blame Christopher Nolan, Alfonso Cuaron and Jason Bourne. Write your messages to them, sign it, go jerk-off to your comic books. Comic book fandoms are the hardest to please although YA fandoms are the grossest because they make filthy fan-fics, fan accounts on Instagram and those other YA-fandom-things they do. If you want the campy version, go watch the film from 2005 that you all loathe. The new trailer for Fant4stic is amazing, and I went back to the 2005 version trailer seeing people in the comments that said that the 2005 trailer is better. Well aren't you guys fucking hypocrites?

And what disgusts me the most are the racists. We now have a black Stormtrooper! We now have a black Johnny Storm! Tyrese Gibson is running for Green Lantern! 12 Years a Slave won last year's Best Picture! FREAKING DEAL WITH IT. You guys didn't complain when a black person directed those two perfectly okay and acceptable Fantastic Four movies!

You go forward Fant4stic! You will always have my support! Although you will have my fullest support if you write the title as The Fantastic Four.