Dead Men Should Stay Dead

If you follow my blog, you'll know that I am the biggest Pirates of the Caribbean ever. I used to shy away when I'm asked about my favorite film. I'd say like Fight Club, Magnolia, Interstellar, etc. All of it I truly liked. But my honest answer would be Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Now I would just say it. No shame, no regrets. Think what you may, but for me, that film taught me spectacle in filmmaking (that 'Up is Down' sequence!) and intricate plot techniques with a buttload of characters. I thought Pirates 3 was a great ending to the franchise, then Disney became greedy and fucked it up with the highly terrible, almost unwatchable On Stranger Tides and this year, Dead Men Tell No Tales, which kinda look promising, despite the lazy CGI on Javier Bardem.

But color me wrong (is this an expression?). I won't get to the story details because I would be pissed. First of all, I don't think the writer Jeff Nathanson understands the Pirates lore and mythology, despite his character Henry claimed to have read all myths of the seas. This film could be a comeback for the franchise but he decided to do it simple-mindedly and dishonor the characters. Be warned, spoilers will follow. Jack Sp--I mean, Captain Jack Sparrow is reduced to a drunk. He used to be a swordsmaster, master planner, the man with the plan and escape plan. Here, he's just... there. He makes this weird decisions that is unlike his character. His traded his compass, then he remarked "Pirates life." He would trade other stuff but not his compass. His best friend and foe died, he just remarked, "Pirates life." WHAT THE FUCK. Where is the Jack who voted Elizabeth to be the Pirate King? Where is the Jack who didn't stab Davy Jones' heart when he could after Will was stabbed first by Davy Jones? It's frustrating because it is so out of character. Second character dishonored: William Turner. As we know, Will Turner is bound to the Dutchman, and he has to do his task (one of them carry the dead souls to the afterlife). Here, he's cursed. Why? Did he decide to go crazy and turn into Davy Jones? Third character dishonored: Gibbs. Gibbs has a penchant for storytelling. He knows all the lores too. Someone mentioned the Trident of Poseidon in this film, and Gibbs is not compelled to tell us a few facts about it? Highly unlikely. Also, the timeline is confusing. I believe Nathanson didn't watch At World's End until the very end. Don't they have a writer's room for this? If so, I will volunteer to work for free.

The weird, out-of-character problem takes me away from this film. It's sad, because the film is actually not that bad. It's so much better than Pirates 4, but it's way below Pirates 2 (My original trilogy ideal order is 3-1-2). The story is pretty okay, but I just think the Trident that can break all curse is a bit too almighty. Why didn't we get the trident from the first film then? It has some cool moments like the flashback scene. I super liked Kaya Scodelario in this film. Brenton Thwaites isn't given enough stuff to go for, even though he's quite pivotal in this film. Geoffrey Rush is great in this film as always and his character is not betrayed in this film by the writers. The third act with the "Red Sea moment" is quite a mess. It's super messy that it destroyed one of the most heartbreaking plot in the film. The directors of Kon-Tiki are behind this one, they did a passable studio job I guess, with a bit of their style intact. All in all, the film tried to introduce new stuff while embracing the nostalgia of the original trilogy but let's face it, the franchise should have stopped 10 years ago. I will hate Disney if they make another one, especially after that shit you guys call a post-credit scene. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales: rated 2/4.


PS. I still believe The Lone Ranger is actually Pirates IV.