Let's start with the background. Set the scene. I've gone back after roughly one year abroad. On the surface, I loved the idea of going home; meeting old friends; doing nothing at home; going to familiar happy places. On the inside, this is, the truth, I questioned the idea of going home. I have a perfectly comfortable part-time job with a considerably high income. I have friends. I have something to do instead of doing nothing at home. But, now, I'm home studying for the upcoming TOEFL test and meeting old friends in between. And what is the definition of old friends? Friends? I know which ones are my friends. However, I have a blurred understanding of who and what an acquaintance is. Am I meeting the now-acquaintances that used to be incredibly important or used to be friends? Should I meet that acquaintance, hoping that they would fall back into the category of friends?
To tell you my position, I'm standing on the edge of a slippery cliff. One push and I'm gone. One push and I'm back to square one. One push and I'm going back to the person I tried so hard to change years ago. One push and I want that acquaintance to play more roles in my life. Scratch that, one push and I want that acquaintance to be the leading role in my life. One push and I want everything to go back to the good ol' days. One push. It only takes one push and I actually have been pushed. I'm on the process of falling. Falling. Falling is not to move downward without any control, without any safeguard. Falling is writing things that are in your mind that you don't usually talk about in your blog at 12 am. Falling is instead of sleeping you think about the things that you think could matter but it is actually not a big deal. Falling is feeling lost in your last months as a teenager. Falling is wanting to stare that someone important in their eyes. Eyes. Get your rap beats and look into my eyes so you know what it's like. Falling is wanting someone to look me in the eyes. Eyes. Two balls connected to some mumbo-jumbo-high-school-stuff nerves. Falling is wanting someone to read this because I'm maybe too scared to say things in actuality, in reality. Falling is having the faith that you think would undo that one push. Paradoxical. I heard too much of that word today it actually became carved in my bones.
Enough with that shit, now onto the more tangible issue. I'm in a university in Japan. Naturally when you return to your home country people start asking these questions. I understand. Curiosity is the root of every human life. I understand and I always try my best to answer those questions and fulfill your quenching thirst of curiosity. But when people start asking the questions that lead to the most irritating feeling in my soul, I have to say fuck it. I always hated the idea of going to Japan. It had to do with some personal issues in my late years of highschool but most of all, I never wanted to go there. And then, last weekend some extended family relatives started to ask me senseless questions like why Japan? Why not USA? Why not Australia? Fuck it and don't ask me. I always have the illusion of free will. Couple of years back, I would be told to choose any path that I like. The truth? Money chose the path I go. I guess currency is the currency of the realm. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the life I have there. If it were not for the people I met there, I would absolutely lament my existence.
In the spirit of telling (random) truths, I hated the idea of informing what you do on various social medias. You know, the 'Having a sunny-side egg on a sunny morning. Good morning!'-kind of posts. And then, add that with aesthetically pleasing photos that are actually a pain in the ass to get right. The ones you had to get the hipster lighting or the ones that you got to look stupid for people around you. As for me, I'm very selective in sharing information and I don't want to tell the truth to people I don't know shit about. If you want to know more, look more, search more.
Re-reading this, I know why sometimes I doubt myself to say things that sounded clever. This is a lot of shit. The essence is still true though. hashtaglolz
Update March 9: this post, although useless and vaguely confessional, helped a lot for my TOEFL test's writing section. I didn't practice much on the writing but a night prior to the test I wrote this fucker and it really helped. 29/30 bitchessss.
Anyway, reviews, that are of movies of course, are still to come. Either Pompeii or Winter's Tale.
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